Shotty Times

When I worked at Cowboys Golf, I got two tickets to Medieval Times from a Christmas party. Worst gift ever, right? No. The On the Border breakfast coupons were worse.

I regifted them to Amy for Christmas that year because duh, if anyone I knew would go to Medieval Times, it would be Amy. She was actually pretty pumped about them. Shocking. I know. So about a year later when they are getting ready to expire, she somehow convinces me to go with her ensuring an amazing time. We initially had tried to get Anne and Mark to actually PAY for tickets and make a "thing" of it...but they declined because they have half of a brain.

That night was quite possibly one of my top 5 grossest experiences of my life. I knew it had something to do with

horses...but oh my god. I had no idea. We walked in, were handed our cardboard crowns (wait, what?), and immediately found the bar. This is the only logical decision we made all night. We bought a bottle of wine and asked for two glasses. Oh wait. Can we have two PLASTIC glasses because the glasses you just gave us have someones lipstick on them. Gag. We sit down in our seats probably sidestepping manure on the way next to a family of 5 that had very clearly paid for their tickets and were all kinds of excited to be there.

So I'm drinking the wenches brew from my goblet and here comes our own little wench-waitress pouring what I believe was old Cambell's Tomato soup out of a black caldren into our pewter bowl. Um, Amy? Where is the spoon? OH WAIT, we are in Medieval Times and they were too primitive to use silverware. Do we stick out like sore thumbs in our Marc Jacobs and Forever 21? Most likely, yes.

Now the show starts. This is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. I'm so embarrassed for the men with their long nappy hair who come bounding into the arena on their white horses so proud that they have just been promoted to head knight at Medieval Times. I wonder if any of them are available....

About 4 minutes later, we look at each other and decide it's probably a good idea to peace out before the turkey legs get passed around. Here is a little snack for your viewing pleasure: