Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea.

My life has been consumed with Chelsea “Coslopus” Handler for the last 2 weeks. I have read all three of her books, watched her standup on Youtube and have set my DVR to record ‘Chelsea Lately’ every night. She is hi-lar-i-ous. She is my new favorite everything.

This whole debacle started with Amy and Sarai and I going to the Heather McDonald stand up show. Heather is on Chelsea Lately and was so so so funny. Her Drew Barrymore impersonation is by far the funniest thing I have seen any time recently. I was laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair and Amy and Sarai almost hit me because I was being so annoying. Anyway. After that, I went and bought her book, “You’ll Never Blue Ball in this Town Again”. It was funny so then I wanted to move on to Chelsea Handler. Anne had let Amy borrow her second book…which then I borrowed….to which I fell desperately in love.

I don’t know if I have ever fallen so head over heels for anything like this ever before. I don’t know how I have lived without her for my 24 years.

I feel like she and I have a special little bond over our obsessions with midgets. (sorry for the inappropriateness of that statement…but I have to be honest. I feel like my sister Anne is going “oh my gosh, I can’t believe she just said that. Sorry Annie Fannie….) Although I don’t call them my little “nuggets”. That makes me a little better, right? She is so absolutely inappropriate that she is just…so funny.

She has a chapter in her book “Are you there Vodka? It’s me, Chelsea” that is solely devoted to her love of midgets, a one “Kimmy” in particular. She starts out by talking about a letter she gets from a mother of a midget who is “deeply offended” by Chelsea’s comments. Chelsea goes in to talking about how much she loves midgets and writes my favorite passage in the whole book:

“Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medical-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.”

Are you kidding me? So inappropriate, but so funny. I can’t get enough.

I then moved on to her most recent book “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang”. EVEN BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE!

I can’t even talk about the first chapter on a public blog. The midget topic was really pushing the envelope for me but…it’s just too ridiculous, even for me. If you love her inappropriateness, trust me and buy this book. It is….beyond words.

So moving on from the first chapter. One of the things I think is the funniest about her writing is the way she interacts with her parents. She curses and sounds like a brash 50 year old sailor when she’s like…six. It’s sort of an ongoing topic throughout her three books and just cracks me up.

I can’t even begin to talk about this book because it’s so funny so I’ll just share a couple of my favorite quotes.

“Like any self-respecting brother-and-sister combo, Greg and I decided to eat some mushrooms.”

“I had never planted my face so fast into a carpet in my life.”

“My parents couldn’t have been more unreasonable when it came to fads or clothes that weren’t purchased at a pharmacy.”

“Why he wouldn’t agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”