Keeping up with the Crazy's

So more TV I have been obsessed (where do I ever find the time to sit on a couch and be THIS lazy?.....) with lately is ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ and ‘Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami’. They craaack me up. I’ll be honest when I say Kim is my least favorite. She doesn’t seem to be nearly as much fun as the other two. Kourtney is so little and inappropriate and Khloe is just totally ridiculous. When she gets going about Scott (Kourtney’s on again off again boyfriend/babydaddy/crazy)…I swear it encourages me to be a mean person because she makes it look so fun. She makes fun of him, screams at him, calls him a “douchelord” (not my word Anne,…Khloe’s. You can’t get mad if I quote someone) and has definitely hit him in the face before. All the while being hilarious and entertaining. I can barely talk about Scott. He is totally ridiculous and reminds me way too much of Jonasty (for those of you who do not know that reference…by very very glad). He’s just…terrible. See picture for any one who has any doubt and well...I rest my case.

They seem to be a favorite constant topic with Chelsea Handler too which has been pretty funny. Even Heather McDonald did a bit on them at her show that we went to. I still can’t wrap my head around the idea of their….trunks. And the mom?? WHAT IS WITH HER? She is totally nuts. Period. She is the one complete ‘crazy’ on that show. Oh wait, no then there is Bruce. Put them together and it is almost complete agony to watch. That mom wants to be her daughters and Bruce…well. Bruce just wants to be on TV. Even if he looks pathetic and depressing while doing so. His face just really bothers me. I can’t tell if it’s just one too many surgeries or if it’s some chemical peel he tried that went south. Either way, he should have let nature run it’s course (with the hair as well). The men on this show just...crack me up.

I have no story about them, just wanted to blogger it up.

Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea.

My life has been consumed with Chelsea “Coslopus” Handler for the last 2 weeks. I have read all three of her books, watched her standup on Youtube and have set my DVR to record ‘Chelsea Lately’ every night. She is hi-lar-i-ous. She is my new favorite everything.

This whole debacle started with Amy and Sarai and I going to the Heather McDonald stand up show. Heather is on Chelsea Lately and was so so so funny. Her Drew Barrymore impersonation is by far the funniest thing I have seen any time recently. I was laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair and Amy and Sarai almost hit me because I was being so annoying. Anyway. After that, I went and bought her book, “You’ll Never Blue Ball in this Town Again”. It was funny so then I wanted to move on to Chelsea Handler. Anne had let Amy borrow her second book…which then I borrowed….to which I fell desperately in love.

I don’t know if I have ever fallen so head over heels for anything like this ever before. I don’t know how I have lived without her for my 24 years.

I feel like she and I have a special little bond over our obsessions with midgets. (sorry for the inappropriateness of that statement…but I have to be honest. I feel like my sister Anne is going “oh my gosh, I can’t believe she just said that. Sorry Annie Fannie….) Although I don’t call them my little “nuggets”. That makes me a little better, right? She is so absolutely inappropriate that she is just…so funny.

She has a chapter in her book “Are you there Vodka? It’s me, Chelsea” that is solely devoted to her love of midgets, a one “Kimmy” in particular. She starts out by talking about a letter she gets from a mother of a midget who is “deeply offended” by Chelsea’s comments. Chelsea goes in to talking about how much she loves midgets and writes my favorite passage in the whole book:

“Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medical-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.”

Are you kidding me? So inappropriate, but so funny. I can’t get enough.

I then moved on to her most recent book “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang”. EVEN BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE!

I can’t even talk about the first chapter on a public blog. The midget topic was really pushing the envelope for me but…it’s just too ridiculous, even for me. If you love her inappropriateness, trust me and buy this book. It is….beyond words.

So moving on from the first chapter. One of the things I think is the funniest about her writing is the way she interacts with her parents. She curses and sounds like a brash 50 year old sailor when she’s like…six. It’s sort of an ongoing topic throughout her three books and just cracks me up.

I can’t even begin to talk about this book because it’s so funny so I’ll just share a couple of my favorite quotes.

“Like any self-respecting brother-and-sister combo, Greg and I decided to eat some mushrooms.”

“I had never planted my face so fast into a carpet in my life.”

“My parents couldn’t have been more unreasonable when it came to fads or clothes that weren’t purchased at a pharmacy.”

“Why he wouldn’t agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”

wah wah wahhhh

okay my blog went whack. i'll work on fixing it but right now i'm going to bed. xxxxx

Shopping day with Anne

Okay so I went with Anne last week to run errands and we stopped at Home Goods. And I'm sorry. This is wildly inappropriate but this leaf hanging/picture/whatever the H this is supposed to be, CRACKED. ME. UP. If this doesn't look like, well, you know...I don't know what does.

Seriously...WHAT IS THIS??

Tastes like the Fourth of July!!

Man oh man I love that scene. Stuffing a hot dog in her face....

Anywho. So the fourth of July was spent with Anne, Mark and her amigos. I was....not at my finest that morning after a night out with Miss Martha but, as anyone who knows me, am always willing to attempt to rally.

And I did.

I made Anne soak a watermelon in Vodka and was totally excited about it. I was really nervous about Anne not putting enough Vodka in it and then I got there, tasted it and realized she is in fact a Doak. God love her.

Mark and Anne had all kinds of goodies for everyone. Snacks, the most amazing punch ever we discovered from the Bailey's, homemade burgers (Mark...kudos....), and things that no one else would think of, like blueberry ice cubes to celebrate the fourth of July. We were joking about this on Sunday but I will repeat. My kids are definitely having their birthday parties and "holidays" at Aunt Anne's house. She is the most crafty homemaker that is not a homemaker I know. I can't wait for them to have kids (sorry for this awkward topic Anne) because they will be the best parents!!

So Anne might kill me for this but I can't resist. I'm pretty sure Mark thought he was being devilishly handsome. Something tells me Anne might argue that point. Bahaha...he's just being silly. It's a good hoot.

Winni Klaus and German mania

Okay so this guy is my new favorite person. A guy in my office sent me this picture thinking I would like it -- which is incorrect. Love. I LOVE it. This next one was just the day of the German game and he completely lost his mind. All in all...it's been a good couple of entertaining weeks.

The ridiculousness of the World Cup

So my office is like the United Nations. We have people representing the US, Germany, Argentina, Brazil, Denmark, Thailand, China, and England. Needless to say, the World Cup has turned our office into a crazy place.
I also have to interject here and say I think the US is the only country in the world that doesn't understand how big of a deal the World Cup is and I feel sort of lame about that. Oh well.
Anyway. So Brazil played the Netherlands on Friday and everyone expected Brazil to win. So I come in to work and everyone is talking shit to everyone else as they have been doing for weeks so I sort of just tune it out until I hear what sounds like high heels but 10 times louder. I sort of stand up and am like, what the h is that noise? Well...turns out Winnie, one of our little German friends has decided to root for the Netherlands and represent with WOODEN CLOGS.

He was walking around in these things all damn day. I thought it was pretty funny.