Keeping up with the Crazy's

So more TV I have been obsessed (where do I ever find the time to sit on a couch and be THIS lazy?.....) with lately is ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ and ‘Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami’. They craaack me up. I’ll be honest when I say Kim is my least favorite. She doesn’t seem to be nearly as much fun as the other two. Kourtney is so little and inappropriate and Khloe is just totally ridiculous. When she gets going about Scott (Kourtney’s on again off again boyfriend/babydaddy/crazy)…I swear it encourages me to be a mean person because she makes it look so fun. She makes fun of him, screams at him, calls him a “douchelord” (not my word Anne,…Khloe’s. You can’t get mad if I quote someone) and has definitely hit him in the face before. All the while being hilarious and entertaining. I can barely talk about Scott. He is totally ridiculous and reminds me way too much of Jonasty (for those of you who do not know that reference…by very very glad). He’s just…terrible. See picture for any one who has any doubt and well...I rest my case.

They seem to be a favorite constant topic with Chelsea Handler too which has been pretty funny. Even Heather McDonald did a bit on them at her show that we went to. I still can’t wrap my head around the idea of their….trunks. And the mom?? WHAT IS WITH HER? She is totally nuts. Period. She is the one complete ‘crazy’ on that show. Oh wait, no then there is Bruce. Put them together and it is almost complete agony to watch. That mom wants to be her daughters and Bruce…well. Bruce just wants to be on TV. Even if he looks pathetic and depressing while doing so. His face just really bothers me. I can’t tell if it’s just one too many surgeries or if it’s some chemical peel he tried that went south. Either way, he should have let nature run it’s course (with the hair as well). The men on this show just...crack me up.

I have no story about them, just wanted to blogger it up.

Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea.

My life has been consumed with Chelsea “Coslopus” Handler for the last 2 weeks. I have read all three of her books, watched her standup on Youtube and have set my DVR to record ‘Chelsea Lately’ every night. She is hi-lar-i-ous. She is my new favorite everything.

This whole debacle started with Amy and Sarai and I going to the Heather McDonald stand up show. Heather is on Chelsea Lately and was so so so funny. Her Drew Barrymore impersonation is by far the funniest thing I have seen any time recently. I was laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair and Amy and Sarai almost hit me because I was being so annoying. Anyway. After that, I went and bought her book, “You’ll Never Blue Ball in this Town Again”. It was funny so then I wanted to move on to Chelsea Handler. Anne had let Amy borrow her second book…which then I borrowed….to which I fell desperately in love.

I don’t know if I have ever fallen so head over heels for anything like this ever before. I don’t know how I have lived without her for my 24 years.

I feel like she and I have a special little bond over our obsessions with midgets. (sorry for the inappropriateness of that statement…but I have to be honest. I feel like my sister Anne is going “oh my gosh, I can’t believe she just said that. Sorry Annie Fannie….) Although I don’t call them my little “nuggets”. That makes me a little better, right? She is so absolutely inappropriate that she is just…so funny.

She has a chapter in her book “Are you there Vodka? It’s me, Chelsea” that is solely devoted to her love of midgets, a one “Kimmy” in particular. She starts out by talking about a letter she gets from a mother of a midget who is “deeply offended” by Chelsea’s comments. Chelsea goes in to talking about how much she loves midgets and writes my favorite passage in the whole book:

“Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medical-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.”

Are you kidding me? So inappropriate, but so funny. I can’t get enough.

I then moved on to her most recent book “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang”. EVEN BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE!

I can’t even talk about the first chapter on a public blog. The midget topic was really pushing the envelope for me but…it’s just too ridiculous, even for me. If you love her inappropriateness, trust me and buy this book. It is….beyond words.

So moving on from the first chapter. One of the things I think is the funniest about her writing is the way she interacts with her parents. She curses and sounds like a brash 50 year old sailor when she’s like…six. It’s sort of an ongoing topic throughout her three books and just cracks me up.

I can’t even begin to talk about this book because it’s so funny so I’ll just share a couple of my favorite quotes.

“Like any self-respecting brother-and-sister combo, Greg and I decided to eat some mushrooms.”

“I had never planted my face so fast into a carpet in my life.”

“My parents couldn’t have been more unreasonable when it came to fads or clothes that weren’t purchased at a pharmacy.”

“Why he wouldn’t agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”

wah wah wahhhh

okay my blog went whack. i'll work on fixing it but right now i'm going to bed. xxxxx

Shopping day with Anne

Okay so I went with Anne last week to run errands and we stopped at Home Goods. And I'm sorry. This is wildly inappropriate but this leaf hanging/picture/whatever the H this is supposed to be, CRACKED. ME. UP. If this doesn't look like, well, you know...I don't know what does.

Seriously...WHAT IS THIS??

Tastes like the Fourth of July!!

Man oh man I love that scene. Stuffing a hot dog in her face....

Anywho. So the fourth of July was spent with Anne, Mark and her amigos. I was....not at my finest that morning after a night out with Miss Martha but, as anyone who knows me, am always willing to attempt to rally.

And I did.

I made Anne soak a watermelon in Vodka and was totally excited about it. I was really nervous about Anne not putting enough Vodka in it and then I got there, tasted it and realized she is in fact a Doak. God love her.

Mark and Anne had all kinds of goodies for everyone. Snacks, the most amazing punch ever we discovered from the Bailey's, homemade burgers (Mark...kudos....), and things that no one else would think of, like blueberry ice cubes to celebrate the fourth of July. We were joking about this on Sunday but I will repeat. My kids are definitely having their birthday parties and "holidays" at Aunt Anne's house. She is the most crafty homemaker that is not a homemaker I know. I can't wait for them to have kids (sorry for this awkward topic Anne) because they will be the best parents!!

So Anne might kill me for this but I can't resist. I'm pretty sure Mark thought he was being devilishly handsome. Something tells me Anne might argue that point. Bahaha...he's just being silly. It's a good hoot.

Winni Klaus and German mania

Okay so this guy is my new favorite person. A guy in my office sent me this picture thinking I would like it -- which is incorrect. Love. I LOVE it. This next one was just the day of the German game and he completely lost his mind. All in all...it's been a good couple of entertaining weeks.

The ridiculousness of the World Cup

So my office is like the United Nations. We have people representing the US, Germany, Argentina, Brazil, Denmark, Thailand, China, and England. Needless to say, the World Cup has turned our office into a crazy place.
I also have to interject here and say I think the US is the only country in the world that doesn't understand how big of a deal the World Cup is and I feel sort of lame about that. Oh well.
Anyway. So Brazil played the Netherlands on Friday and everyone expected Brazil to win. So I come in to work and everyone is talking shit to everyone else as they have been doing for weeks so I sort of just tune it out until I hear what sounds like high heels but 10 times louder. I sort of stand up and am like, what the h is that noise? Well...turns out Winnie, one of our little German friends has decided to root for the Netherlands and represent with WOODEN CLOGS.

He was walking around in these things all damn day. I thought it was pretty funny.

Life and all it's lovely little details

So I keep thinking about all of these things I want to do or have or see...and I thought maybe if I put them out there in blog cyberspace I might eventually check off one or two. It's also just good to think about this stuff, right?

•Learn French
•Live in a foreign country
•Date a tall adorable man who thinks I'm small and adorable (true story...)
•Learn how to scuba dive
•Actually go scuba diving
•Learn to sail...or atleast go with someone else who know how
•Someday somehow be able to fit all of my belongings in a car (let's be honest...won't ever happen unless there is a fire, but it's a nice thought to be able to just pick up and move somewhere um. Knock on wood....)
•Die my hair some drastic color
•Own a Westie
•Be able to use "Chloe", my favorite girl name
•See Niagra Falls
•Work with flowers
•Get to the point where I want to work out everyday to be healthy (hahahahahaha)
•Be able to drink and appreciate Scotch without gagging
•Find the Australian boy named Jonathan who I had a crush on and went to preschool with. We can't remember his last name...but I wish I knew who he was.
•Ride in a hot air balloon
•Play with a baby tiger
•Be on a Bingo team
•Create such a thing as a "Bingo team"
•Swim with a group of seahorses (do they swim in groups?)
•Figure out why I bruise so easily
•Learn to drive a stick
•Find a way to get my mother to Ireland
•Know someone who has the Fargo accent
•Get a masters (in no particular subject)
•own an old school Porsche Roadster
•Sell things I make on Etsy
•Move out of my mothers house (love you momma...)
•Have a kid who wants a duck (and I will buy one....)
•Be able to drink black coffee (I still have to have all of the delicious bad stuff thrown in...)
•Get my hands on the white iPhone 4....and an ipad while I'm at it!

...more later. I like this. It gets ya thinkin'!!

xx

This one goes out to my family

*visine commercial guy's voice*

Better?? Or worse??


Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Abandoned and dying

My poor little blog. I have completely left this thing to rot and die. Wah wah wahhhhh.

I'm going to try to be a bit better. (Everyone always says this but I'm going to TRY to actually mean it...) I have no idea what I have been up to and I think it will just exhaust me to try and make up for everything I have left out. (Waaay too much work)

So last weekend Mom and I went to Kansas for Memorial Day. We technically weren't even there on Monday because we left early, but we tried. I decided to go with her because I had a friend that was meeting up with us and she wanted to go because there was a little family reunion. The big draw for this little gathering was "Uncle Ed"... my grandfather's twin brother. My mom wanted to see him because he's getting old and her father passed away. It was fun for me to go also -- I never met my grandfather because he had died before I was born. Uncle Ed was too cute. I think my mom said he is 92 and he's just adorable. I don't know why but I have this thing for old men. I just think they're adorable.

Anywho. After the reunion we ended up just driving back to Dallas. I really wanted my mom to stop at Winstar, the casino right outside the Texas border. I think that would be so fun!! But we were tired and the parking lot was an absolute disaster because of the weekend...so it was understandable.

I'm looking forward to going back to Kansas when we can stay a bit longer an have a more relaxing time. Love you Momma!! xx

Ode to my Momma

So...as a lot of you know my mom has been watching little baby Jack during the days now that Stacy has had to go back to work.

This has been QUITE the undertaking. I wake up and Jack is there. I come home and Jack is there. This sounds like I'm going to complain but on the contrary. ITS WONDERFUL!!! Our house has bottles out...a bassinet in the living room and our kitchen table has been conveniently turned into Jack's little "changing area". ;)

The best part about having Jack here is getting to see my mom with him. Since I am the youngest, I never saw my mom with a baby. Obviously, through the years, I have seen her with babies...but never a baby that is close to us in our family. For anyone who doesn't know my mom -- I swear she's the baby whisperer. Screaming baby? Hand 'em on over and you'll see your baby giggle for the first time.

Jack is such a good baby anyway (I know Pat and Stacy are thinking, "hey...can't Jack have some credit? and yes...he most certainly can) but my mom is amazing. She anticipates his every need, keeps him entertained, talks to him, walks around with him, shows him everything there is to show a baby at 3 months old. I've heard her talking about Pinnochio and his entourage, gone through the whole cast of Sesame Street, teaches him about instruments (yup...gotta watch out for THAT one), and everything in between. She looooves working out with him. :) She puts him on his stomach so he can "do his pushups for the day" -- and I must say, although at first it looks uncomfortable, I think he likes it! Especially when she gets on the floor with him to keep him entertained. :)

I had a really happy childhood. We never went without anything we needed. We all had such a great time! And it's totally because of my mom. I'm so glad that Jack gets to spend this time with her Grandma. She loves it and it's obvious he loves it. I hope my mom is still willing to do this in 20 years when I have my first....

Mean old battle-ax lady

Okay I literally have not blogged in 2 weeks. Whoops....

I have quite a few things I need to blog about but this totally takes precedence.

So I go to Tom Thumb, right? No big deal. I go to turn right into a parking spot. Some CRAZY OLD BAT is coming through the parking spot direcctly in front of my parking spot. This crazy comes pulling THROUGH her own parking spot into mine, so obviously...I stop and wait for her to back up. Um. no. This nutjob sits here and throws her hand up in the air. And I'm like...SERIOUSLY?? I'm pulling into MY parking spot...what are you doing and why are you half way into mine. So I eventually figure out that she was wanting to be able to get in her car after the grocery store and avoid backing out of her parking spot. So instead of backing into a spot like any other considerate person would do...she pulls through her spot and into mine. (I doubt I'm doing a very good job of explaining this.) So anyway. After she so rudely motions me to move I motion the same to her -- and I end up crossing my arms as if to say "fine you old bat. I'll wait you out...I have allllll day" (which I have done before). So then she pulls up as close to my car as she can, throws her can in park and gets out. So she is now in the MIDDLE of two spots. So...being me I roll my window down to shout "I can't believe you just did that!" but she runs the other way. Not sure that she thought this through because we were both going into the same grocery store. So I run in and try to hunt her down to scream "KARMA!!!" in her face but she can't be found. I kept staking out the ice cream isle (lets me honest...I kept thinking I'd find her there) but no luck. Finally I talked to my girl Sarah who told me to calm down and that yelling at her wouldn't help anything. Of course then I see her (still on the phone with "just be nice" Sarah) so I just gave her the stink eye instead.

This was probably the worst explanation of this encounter but I swear...I was still talking about it an hour later. I was so horrified at the lack of manners -- I'm usually a really nice person. I open doors for people, help strangers out when I can, wave when someone lets me in, etc. etc. So I just couldn't believe it! As I was walking into the grocery store a lady stopped me and said "I just saw that!! That was terrible!! She was so rude!" So I'm glad to know it wasn't just me. I believe in karma and hope that lady gets slapped with it hard one day. *eye roll*

So this ladies car is the taupe one parked in between the others. Ruuuuude.

Girly sunshine

I spent my Sunday planting with my mom! Learn something new everyday, right? I remember planting a sunflower at our old house that grew about...8 feet in like, a month. It was the craziest thing ever! So anyway, our house looked so drab before. Remember my reference to Heidi Montag's "time away"? Well....consider this the first breast augmentation. This weekend I plan to do the second (from a D to a G) and then hopefully eventually we can aspire to an "H" for Heidi. It's nice to know we all have the same goals.
Before:


And our new DDs


It's finally Spring!!

Howdy Pardner

Jack sprat graced up with his presence on Saturday and entertained me for hours. His outfit (the cutest thing you have ever seen in your life ) was a gift from Elizabeth Bailey. Elizabeth also made the little blue and red hat that made Jack into the cutest bird ever seen. I've never met Elizabeth but she must be fabulous (since she picks things out for my nephew that are beyond cute). Moving on...Jack is much more "active" these days instead of sitting there staring at nothing because he can't focus yet (I wont lie....now that those days are over I can say with no shame...he freaked me out a little bit when he would stare off looking at nothing). The pictures pretty much explain our day:

Peanuts Visit

I went to go see my peanut Jack today. He has this new thing where he has discovered his tongue. He also looooves sucking on his fist. Not his thumb. His whole fist. Thankfully he looks adorable with his tiny little tongue out. Pat came home and sat on the ground and started singing "everybody was Kong Fu fighting". Random lullaby choice but it was cute just the same. I managed to get some of it on video.

So I think Jack is looking more and more like Pat. He is so squirmy it's hard to get a picture but this is the best I could do:

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